Tag: Doctor

Mount Fyffe Range, New Zealand

Are You Running on Empty?

by M, posted in Burnout

"I'm surprised you stayed in there for as long as you did," the nurse said to me as we stepped out of the room.  "You were so patient." Shrugging, I gave a non-committal reply with a deflective smile, per my usual. "I had time." As I walked down the halls of the nursery to finally hopefully eat lunch at 2 pm, my response echoed in my head. You didn't have the time, M.  But you needed to MAKE the time for this. How else was I going to drown out the cries of my 90 year old patient from this morning? "Why hasn't God taken me yet?  I can't bear this anymore!"

M walking along the Columbia River Gorge

Death of a Primary Care Physician’s Career: Act Three

by M, posted in Burnout

"So when should we see each other again?"

She's young and healthy, M.  No reason to have her come back sooner than her yearly physical.  Are you OK with her just getting a letter in the mail notifying her that you're gone?

The thought of her discovering I was leaving via an impersonal letter on clinic letterhead filled me with dread.  She deserved better than that.  To hell with my promise of keeping my mouth shut.

Light breaking over the Columbia River Gorge

Death of a Primary Care Physician’s Career: Act Two

by M, posted in Burnout

"You know, you're being that annoying prodigal daughter you used to complain about in residency.  The one who wouldn't let her estranged parent go until you came in as the hospice queen and convinced her to pull the plug.

Your current job is already dead, you’re just keeping it alive for some reason."

No preamble.  Just straight to the quick.

"M... what's stopping you from signing your new contract?"

How Tickle Me Elmo Stole Thanksgiving

by M, posted in Minimalism

"Give it to me!  I got it first!!!"

"NO YOU DID NOT!  I grabbed it off the shelf first!"

"This Elmo is mine!!!!!!  Bob, tell her I got to this first!"

Bob looked like a man who wanted to disappear into his turtleneck.

"Come on, Nancy.. it's a toy."

"DON'T TELL ME IT'S JUST A TOY!  THIS IS A TICKLE ME ELMO!!  AND IT'S MINE!!!!"

Shaking my head as I walked away, I assessed the chaos that had descended on this Black Friday.

What was this alternate reality I had entered into?

Mountain goats grazing under Mount Rainier

If You Could See Medicine Through My Eyes: Millennial Doctor, M.D.

by M, posted in Doctoring

Last week, the prolific Xrayvsn reached out to me on Twitter and asked if I would be willing to represent the Millennial generation in a 4 way cross-platform collaboration, looking at medicine through the eyes of different generations: Baby Boomer, Generation X, Millennial and Resident Physician.

My first reaction was ,“This is an awesome idea!”, immediately followed by an Oh sh*t moment.  Who am I to speak for an entire generation?  And isn’t our Resident Physician also a millennial??

But, my enthusiasm got the best of me and I couldn’t back out, not when I have the word Millennial in my own name.

These days, I no longer identify myself solely as a doctor but as a storyteller and as such, I’d like to couch my response to Xrayvsn’s request in:

A tale of 4 frogs

Columbia River Gorge View atop of Wind Mountain

Doc, Are You Giving Up On Me? When Is Enough Enough?

by M, posted in Doctoring

"Doc, I'm tired of this."

I looked at V's wan face.  The vibrance that I adored had been sucked out of her over the last 9 months by chemotherapy and radiation.  I remembered the moment she cried in my office, angry I hadn't been the one to tell her that her breast cancer had returned everywhere.

Now she couldn't muster up any emotion - no tears, no anger, no frustration.

Just tired.

All Alone and Expendable – The Reality of Modern Doctoring

by M, posted in Burnout

As a millennial physician, I grew up in the world of team-based care, evidenced based medicine, and "To Err is Human."  I graduated a rigorous, work-hour rule bending residency program that still managed to provide a supportive environment filled with camaraderie.

We celebrated success and newfound skills together.  We also suffered, grieved loss and failures - together. The togetherness gave it meaning.

I was eager to join the community of practicing physicians. On the other side of board certification, I found no such community.  Rather, I found merely a group physicians in close proximity doing similar tasks, but in pursuit of individual and often disparate goals.

In my search for community, I found myself alone.

Are We All Just Faking It?

by M, posted in Burnout

"How do you keep doing this every day, patient after patient and still keep saying the right thing?"

A thousand thoughts raced through my mind.

Do I demure and say what I'm supposed to say?

"Oh, this is all just part of being a doctor!  It's such a privilege to be allowed to enter into someone's fears and emotions.  Everything is awesome.  Just living the dream."

Or do I say,

"I'm fine.  You're fine.  We're all fine.  Please stop asking questions for which you're not prepared to hear the answer to."

Or perhaps the truth,

"I'm actually not fine.  Thanks for asking.  The only thing that's allowing me to make it through the day is that I've formulated an exit strategy, because I can't take this anymore."

Walking Under Waterfall

Drowning in a Bucket of Tears

by M, posted in Burnout

Mom nodded, eyes glazed over from the bombshell I just threw her way.

Taking and squeezing her clammy hand in mine, her attention returned back to the room from reeling into the land of "What if's?".

"Mom... it's going to be ok.  O's going to be ok.  I just need you to get him to the hospital.  Can you do that, or do you want me to call 911?"

"No... I can do it.  It's only 5 minutes away.  It'll be faster if I take him now," the determination grew in her voice.