Category: Burnout

Rainbow over Cook's Chasm, Oregon Coast

Are You Sure You Know What You’re Doing?

by M, posted in Burnout

Returning to the picture on the page of an angry, pink baby with a T-piece resuscitator hovering over its face to supply oxygen, I was immediately transported to another place, three and a half years ago. Except that baby was limp and gray.  Slippery in the warmed blankets that didn't seem to be able to contain her.  Listless despite the efforts to stimulate her to breathe, turning bluer by the second. "Why isn't she breathing??  What are you doing to my baby?!?" Mom's wails rang out in my right ear as if it were yesterday.

Sunset over Heceta Beach, OR

To The Doctor Struggling with Burnout: I See You

by M, posted in Burnout

My friend, I remember being where you are, feeling like there wasn't anyone who could possibly understand the darkness I found myself in. The isolation. The inability to explain the full weight of what I dealt with as a primary care physician every day to my very well-intentioned non-medical tribe. The difficulty reconciling the knowledge that I was "living the dream" but in reality was merely existing in a living nightmare, my own personal hell I had spent my entire adult life trying to achieve. I resisted for a long time to share my story - it's not an easy thing to do... it took me 2 years to even admit to my husband that I was struggling, and that in and of itself felt like a failure. Because we should be stronger than this, right?  We knew what we were getting into, we logically understood that we would see and endure a lot of suffering. But to know this is different than to live this reality.

When My Best Isn’t Good Enough, I Can Still Do This

by M, posted in Burnout

"So I heard you're leaving..."

"I am."

"When?"

"My last day is February 1st."

C shrunk into himself as he centered his gaze on his worn hands.  After 10 seconds of silence, he finally sighed and looked back at me with eyes that hadn't known true rest for the last 6 months.

"It's hard to start over, you know?  I don't know if I can tell someone our story again."

Nodding my head, I looked over at his wedding ring and felt a familiar pang of regret.

Middle Lewis River Falls, WA

How to Move On With Your Life: Quit Your Parental Guilt

by M, posted in Burnout

"My new schedule is going to be 5 days on, 5 days off!  It'll be like a long weekend every other week, Papa.  J and I are thinking of getting a camper too.. maybe go on those national park trips we've been talking about.  There's so much out here in the Pacific Northwest." "Mmm hmm..." … Continue reading How to Move On With Your Life: Quit Your Parental Guilt

J forest path

Time to Face the Truth: Healthcare Workplaces are Toxic

by M, posted in Burnout

I haven't really talked much about my toxic work environment as a cause of my burnout, not because it didn't exist at my clinic but because this seems to be universal in all of healthcare at all levels.  What else could I possibly add to this discussion? This is the reality of the world we work in. Fear based leadership.  Seeing people as cogs in a machine, to be spent in any way deemed useful to the organization with no concern for the actual person.  There will always be another you - don't forget, you are easily replaceable.

M walking along the Columbia River Gorge

Death of a Primary Care Physician’s Career: Act Three

by M, posted in Burnout

"So when should we see each other again?"

She's young and healthy, M.  No reason to have her come back sooner than her yearly physical.  Are you OK with her just getting a letter in the mail notifying her that you're gone?

The thought of her discovering I was leaving via an impersonal letter on clinic letterhead filled me with dread.  She deserved better than that.  To hell with my promise of keeping my mouth shut.

Light breaking over the Columbia River Gorge

Death of a Primary Care Physician’s Career: Act Two

by M, posted in Burnout

"You know, you're being that annoying prodigal daughter you used to complain about in residency.  The one who wouldn't let her estranged parent go until you came in as the hospice queen and convinced her to pull the plug.

Your current job is already dead, you’re just keeping it alive for some reason."

No preamble.  Just straight to the quick.

"M... what's stopping you from signing your new contract?"

Forest canopy

Death of a Primary Care Physician’s Career: A Cautionary Tale, Act One

by M, posted in Burnout

These last 11 months, I’ve been telling my story of burnout, but I suppose I should rename it Death of a Primary Care Physician's Career.

I’m letting go of the person, the doctor, I wanted to be.

Ironically, she is the person who dug this 6 foot hole for me, and now I’m laying her in it after 3 long years.

All Alone and Expendable – The Reality of Modern Doctoring

by M, posted in Burnout

As a millennial physician, I grew up in the world of team-based care, evidenced based medicine, and "To Err is Human."  I graduated a rigorous, work-hour rule bending residency program that still managed to provide a supportive environment filled with camaraderie.

We celebrated success and newfound skills together.  We also suffered, grieved loss and failures - together. The togetherness gave it meaning.

I was eager to join the community of practicing physicians. On the other side of board certification, I found no such community.  Rather, I found merely a group physicians in close proximity doing similar tasks, but in pursuit of individual and often disparate goals.

In my search for community, I found myself alone.