Everyone has that one friend who’s just winning at life. The one who has all their stuff together – the perfect job, the Pinterest worthy home, leads some impressive committee and yet still finds time to volunteer at the local shelter. They glide through life with ease and grace – no word is ever misspoken, nothing is ever out of place and you’re pretty sure they are part of the gorgeous I woke up like this tribe.
Recently, I realized I’m that friend for some people. And quite honestly, that horrified me so much I was inspired to drop some knowledge here.
First, some context
I was born to Filipino first generation immigrants who initially landed in Toronto, Canada (hence the random u’s added to words) and eventually ended up in the U.S. My life has been structured and scripted to always aspire to be the best, to be perfect.
I wish I could cast the Asian stereotype aside, but this was literally my dad, or Papa as I affectionately call him. In elementary school, I remember showing my dad a test in which I had an A minus! I was so excited to show him, and in classic Papa fashion, he said, “Why not an A?”
If your parents were also like this, I’m sorry and I feel your pain. I’m sure our parents didn’t mean to start this cycle of not quite feeling/being enough – I’d like to believe they had intended on inspiring us to be our better selves. And, I can’t say I’m not guilty of doing the exact same thing to someone else with the best intentions.
But if we break down what this does to our psyche, it’s devastating. Instead of focusing on the 99 questions I got right on the test, I beat myself up over missing the 1 question. I would rather spend an extra 100 hours of studying and practising to get that extra single point than to feel ashamed for missing it.
The cycle continues…
This became a constant internal struggle throughout my childhood. Nothing was ever worth doing unless it was going to be perfect.
It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing all the time – I graduated high school as valedictorian at the age of 16, pre-med/university at 20. I finished med school at the same age that some of my peers had started 4 years prior. All the while, my overachieving, perfectionist tendencies were positively reinforced with accolades of how smart and brilliant I was, so it kept me going on this path.
I hated it. So much. Which is actually the opposite of what I’m supposed to do. Aren’t all women looking forward to the day they’re seen for their genius? That was literally the feedback I was getting, and it was horrible. It didn’t acknowledge the fact that I put in way too much extra effort to get that last question I might possibly miss. It didn’t acknowledge the exorbitant amount of time spent away from my friends and family because I was aiming for perfection, not to just get the dreaded A minus. It didn’t acknowledge how much pressure I was putting on myself constantly because if I was going to do something, it had to be perfect.
At the same time, I didn’t want people to know. I wanted them to think things just came naturally to me. I wanted them to continue thinking I was brilliant.
Yeah, it doesn’t make sense, but welcome to my brain. This is what J has to live with.
I’ll admit it – I don’t like being known as an “overachiever”. I dislike being known as a “perfectionist” even more. Such horrible connotations to them. But as the cliché goes, the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem.
Overachieving when there’s nothing left to achieve
After I finished residency, I struggled. HARD. What is left to achieve when you’ve already done all the things on your to do list?
Easy, be better at being a doctor.
- Only seeing 15 patients a day? Increase that to 20.
- Only working 40 hours a week? How about 50-60?
- Tired of “only” being a primary care doctor? Look into administration/medical education/going back to training to be a subspecialist.
The only thing I accomplished was overachieving my way into burnout, and fast.
Improve something else: Start home improvement projects!
- Kitchen: 3 failed attempts at DIYing our cabinets and living without attached countertops for a year and a half was the equivalent of nails across a chalkboard to my soul. It was actually the OPPOSITE of perfect.
- Gardening: We built planter boxes. The plants all died within a month. FAIL.
- Decorate with pictures: Immediately crippled by indecision to find the ideal photos out of hundreds to put on my barren walls. Because you know, it has to be perfect. So, my 20 frames remain empty after 2.5 years.
Start fitness goals.
- 5k ✓
- 10k ✓
- 15k ✓
- Half marathon ✓ One of the most miserable experiences of my life.
- Marathon…
This is where I drew my line in the sand and had an epiphany.
What if I was ok with just good enough?
This is anathema to every overachiever/perfectionist out there.
Good enough is NOT ok. Good enough means compromising the core of your very being. Good enough means you’re no longer striving to be better.
But what is better? What about my life is not enough? In my personal quest to be better, all I’m doing is telling myself everything I’ve accomplished thus far is inadequate.
There will always be that next thing to chase. When I get there, would that make me happy? Or will I keep upping the ante until I drive myself to exhaustion?
Good enough has been a hard philosophy to live by. I find myself falling into the traps of perfectionism daily. Just this week, I spent 30 minutes trying to decide if the spacing between a headline and a picture on the homepage should be 30 or 50 pixels. What about 28? Maybe 45? So absurd! That’s 30 minutes of my life I won’t get back.
What other moments will I miss out on because of my overachieving/perfectionist tendencies? When I’m trying to catch up on work on my 60th hour, am I missing girls night out? When I’m training for a marathon, will I miss out on hikes with my husband?
I’m starting with being ok with that A minus. Not perfect, but it’s a baby step to taking my life back.
What if you were ok with good enough? How would your life change?
***Photo taken at Panama City Beach, FL
I love this post so much! 💜 Not only because I can relate (101%), but also because it’s a window into the realities we often don’t “air” in day to day conversations… I’m all for more “good enough” in our lives! These days, I try my best to live by and remind my clients, #progressbeatsperfection 🙂
Thanks! I’m totally stealing that for my spiels – hashtag and all!
omg i love this so much, because i struggle with this too. when i try to be ok with “good enough,” i worry that i’m becoming complacent. i feel guilty reading fiction books because if i have free time to read, i should read a medical journal! 🙁
Haha.. I hear you! I also feel that way – it was much worse when I was in residency because I felt like I needed to know ALL the things. So I ended up collecting a ton of medical journals that never made it out of the plastic wrap. Don’t feel guilty for reading fiction, or whatever you do to enjoy your time. You’re not becoming complacent, you’re broadening your understanding of what it means to be human. Thanks for reading!
“Perfection is the enemy of “good enough” ” or “Perfection is the enemy of a job well done.” – a wise old IR mentor
Ugh, I wish I had learn this lesson long ago. I had the overachiever complex, too, and have suffered similarly, over the years. Earlier this year, emerging from burnout and failing to transition or rise into some great new position or role, I confessed to my coach that I feel like I let myself, her, and everyone down by just settling into a part time version of my current job.
I was supposed to become a Hospital CEO or Ice Cream Shop owner or a National Park travel counselor or something else interesting. Instead, I failed the physician career transition program. Of course, she thought this was quite amusing.
I have learned that just like there is a hedonic treadmill, there is an achievement treadmill, that folks like you and I tend to run. I am consciously struggling to stay off it.
In my mind, I am regularly countering, “You know, you should be doing blah, blah, blah…” with, “I don’t care what I should be doing. I am only doing what I want to do, what feels right to be doing, and it’s not blah, blah, blah.” It actually works. The word, “should”, seems to be the flashpoint.
So much wisdom in this. There are always a thousand things I think I “should” be doing, then I run myself ragged trying to get to just 10 of them and end up doing them poorly. The achievement treadmill is addicting, but I’m learning to reframe my “achievements” in different ways.
Did I connect with someone in a meaningful way today? Did I take the time to take care of myself? Did I do something today merely for the joy of it instead of for the perceived reward afterward?
It sounds really trite and saccharine, but it works!
Also, I am so impressed with you as you are already – it makes me laugh/shake my head to think you still want to be “more than”.