Most people don’t think of fitness as a dealer of life lessons, but this is where it started for me. However, these lessons didn’t come until after I experienced great disappointment in my fitness goals. Let me explain.
One of my first attempts to claw my way out of my downward spiral into despair was through fitness and goal setting. “Exercise is good for you”, I told myself. How hypocritical would it be of me to prescribe diet and exercise to my patients, and when I started feeling bleh, that would be the first thing to be thrown out of my life. I had felt so good after completing my 3 x 10k’s for my 30th year, but that was already done. What else could I reach for that would also add to that sense of accomplishment?
Easy – clearly the next step was a half marathon
13.1 miles to get that feeling of badass-ery back. I went back to Pinterest and obsessed over the proper training schedule. Running 3 or 4 days a week? What the hell is a fartlek? Do I want to do that? Cross training days: weights or yoga? I wrote the whole schedule out on paper with workouts 7 days a week, then just for good measure, I also put it into Google calendars and then my phone calendar. You can never be too prepared.
Within two weeks, I was off my training schedule. Instead of feeling better because of the exercise endorphins, I felt guilty. I couldn’t even get through one week. Was it really that hard to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to workout every day? Well as a matter of fact, yes, yes it was. I then tried switching to after work, but with getting home from work at 6:30, cooking, cleaning up and it being closer to 8 when I worked out, given the option between sitting down, zoning out on Facebook or working out just didn’t really seem like a choice I could make on 5 work nights.
First fail
As a wise woman once said, “Ain’t nobody got time for dat,” and I had to rework the schedule. “Ok,” I told myself, “Clearly the problem was unrealistic expectations. And clearly, you only want to make that choice 3 times a week – set yourself up for success with lower expectations!”
Problem solved – I cut out all the extraneous workouts that didn’t involve running and now I was ready to be a badass.
And so I ran – 3 miles, then 6 miles, up to 10 miles on my longest run prior to the half marathon. I ran through blisters, plantar fasciitis, shin splints and dehydration, all for this mystical quest of achieving that feeling of success at the end of this half marathon. There were mini personal victories after running past the longest distance I had ever run, but very short lived as immediately after I was usually overcome by the feeling to just collapse. But, the 13.1 mark would feel different. I knew it.
Race day came – a half marathon held at twilight
When I signed up, I pictured this ideal setting: sun casting this beautiful golden glow on the lake and trees, the night air just starting to cool down to perfect running temperature, maybe even some crickets chirping. It would be a perfect scene to my victorious personal record.
When I showed up, I immediately realized I should’ve done more research on the race itself and less on the perfect training schedule. The race had to end by sunset, meaning start time was at 6:30 pm for people who intended to finish within 3 hours, and my goal was to do it in 2 h 30 min. For those who don’t know about the weather in the Portland, OR area 6:30 pm is HOTTER than noontime – opposite of cooler as it is in the midwest. It was a balmy 100 degrees with about 60% humidity.
But, whatever – I was already in line, and they were just about to kick off the race! No more time to mull over how I was going to survive this race: Ready, Set, GO!!
And with that, I ran straight into instant regret.
Running in 100 degrees, 60% humidity and full sun with no hopes of tree cover felt like running in a cloud of the collective out-breath of all the runners who started before me and those who were currently passing me. And, I would never break through the cloud; no, welcome to the next 13 miles, 2 h 30 min of your life.
Plenty of time to mull over all my life choices that led me to this point, thoughts in the vein of:
“Who does this for fun?”
“I trained for 4 months for this???”
“I can’t believe you paid money to run.”
“Can’t you do anything else with your life to prove yourself?”
“Who are you trying to impress anyway?”
Then, about half way in, the smell of cow manure wafted through the air. The thoughts then turned to, “Great, I can’t hold my breath or I’ll literally die” to “EFFFFF!! FLIES!! Stop breathing them in!” So many bugs consumed that day.
As a last ditch effort, I turned to tough talking myself.
“Are you going to let this 50 year old lady pass you?? I bet she did the cross-training, but you have youth on your side.”
“This is what separates the winners from the losers – YOU DON’T QUIT.” – S/n: This is what I assume crossfit people say to each other.
“I thought you were a badass.”
“The faster you run, the sooner this will be over, so suck it up buttercup!”
The last quarter mile, I was met with an unexpected cheering section, and my running friend (just not for the race) finished the last stretch with me. I didn’t realize how grateful I was to hear everyone’s encouraging words; after being in my head for the last 2 hours with my version of Jillian Michaels yelling at me to keep going, this was a welcome change and I could see the finish line!! I poured the last of my energy into my tired legs and finally crossed at 2:31:32.
I waited for the joy, the feeling of success, the sense of accomplishment to wash over me.
But it never came
All I felt was this empty void. Why? I did what I had set out to do. I did the thing on my to do list – I should feel great crossing it off! Not many people run half-marathons – this is supposed to be an accomplishment. WHY didn’t I feel accomplished? I felt cheated and disappointed and I didn’t understand why. It wasn’t until a few months later I came to see I had fallen into the same traps I had laid for myself as before.
- Confusing accomplishment with my sense of self = TRAP
I’ll admit it – I derived/still identify a lot of who I am as a person to the things I’ve done. But, if I were to make a list of all the things I’ve ever done in my life and show it to you, would you be able to distinguish me from any other person that also went to college, med school, residency and ran a miserable half marathon? No! Our experiences of how/why/under what circumstances we were in to achieve these things in our lives – that is what distinguishes who we are as individuals.
2. Setting goals for the sake of setting goals = TRAP
The race was the equivalent of writing something on the to do list in order to cross it off to make myself seem more accomplished. Anyone who’s addicted to lists knows what I’m talking about. Sometimes, I even put things on the list that I’ve already done, just for the satisfaction of crossing it off (ie, doing dishes, laundry, etc). The win isn’t in performing the task thing on the list, it is in crossing it off. However, in the case of the half-marathon, effort in greatly outweighed the satisfaction of crossing it off the list, at least for me.
3. Close, but no cigar = TRAP
I missed my goal by 1 minute 32 seconds
I racked my brain to think of where I could have made up lose 92 seconds. Maybe it was too many watering station stops – but I’m pretty sure I would’ve ended up in the back of an ambulance getting IV fluids if I hadn’t stopped. Maybe it was that 50 year lady that was slowing me down! I knew I should’ve passed her – she was throwing off my cadence. Maybe if I had worn better compression shorts, used the gel, drank more gatorade than water… you get the drill.
Instead of basking in the glory of finishing my first half marathon without stopping/dying, I couldn’t get over the fact that I just barely missed my goal. It didn’t take J long to pull me out of my head and back to reality. “Really? Are you really going to do that again to prove you can cut out 92 seconds?” And my answer to that was and still is a resounding, “Hell no.”
I had an epiphany: Is this how I want to live my life? Setting arbitrary goals for the sake of having things on the to do list to keep me occupied until the day I die?
I can still accomplish great things, but I can’t tie in happiness and satisfaction to them. Some things are just not attainable even with your best efforts. Sometimes you do achieve your goals, and upon crossing that threshold, you find out things aren’t really all that different on the other side.
Maybe the point is to relish the race regardless of how miserable you were in it or not and realize some day, it’s going to be a great story.
Mrs. Millenial Doctor. I am a blast from your past, I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog. Thanks for sharing, I have always admired your charisma, charm and your way with words. It’s great to see that after all these years, you still have a way with your words. Keep writing!
D.G.
(I am sure you will figure out who I am)
Of course I figured out who you were – you’d be very difficult to forget. Thanks for the encouraging words!