Tag: Primary care

So… who’s looking for a new job?

by M, posted in Burnout

"So... who's looking for a new job?" We scanned each other's eyes over the Zoom screen, as if the miniature windows of these four pixelated beauties could reveal any hidden truths. Nothing. Taking a sip of my pinot gris, I soaked in the uncomfortable silence. Conversation was always going to land here.  Months spent on Slack commiserating over this foreign new world of startup culture, complaining about our ineffective EMR, griping about entitled patients - and yet, this topic had never been breached. It clearly had been top of mind as I watched everyone glance away from their screens, yet no one wanted to answer.  No one wanted to shatter the illusion that we didn't know one of us would eventually walk away from our unexpected support group.

You’re a doctor! You’re just going to let people suffer?!

by M, posted in Burnout

"You're a doctor!  You're just going to let people suffer?" The flash of fury I suppressed earlier that morning unexpectedly came back in a blaze.  I heard the volume of my voice rise alongside the heat flooding my cheeks. "Who's letting who suffer, Papa?  Is it me?  Is it doctors and healthcare workers who've been trying to stem the tide of this pandemic?  Or is it the people who refuse to believe in science and have been spreading the plague because of their right to personal freedom?  Who carries that responsibility?  WHO CARRIES THE BLAME?"

Reflections at Lake Marian, New Zealand

This Doctor’s Secret Shame: A Patient Suicide

by M, posted in Burnout

Sitting at my new hospital cubicle workstation, O's hoarse voice rang out in my ear as her obituary on my screen sucker punched me in the gut.   Squeezing my eyes shut to stop the onslaught of burning tears only brought visions of O down on the ground, clasping the pill bottle with my name on it.  Of course they were prescriptions that I wrote... she wouldn't have had the time to find a new PCP 2 weeks after I had left the clinic.

Rainbow over Cook's Chasm, Oregon Coast

Are You Sure You Know What You’re Doing?

by M, posted in Burnout

Returning to the picture on the page of an angry, pink baby with a T-piece resuscitator hovering over its face to supply oxygen, I was immediately transported to another place, three and a half years ago.

Except that baby was limp and gray.  Slippery in the warmed blankets that didn't seem to be able to contain her.  Listless despite the efforts to stimulate her to breathe, turning bluer by the second.

"Why isn't she breathing??  What are you doing to my baby?!?"

Mom's wails rang out in my right ear as if it were yesterday.

When My Best Isn’t Good Enough, I Can Still Do This

by M, posted in Burnout

"So I heard you're leaving..."

"I am."

"When?"

"My last day is February 1st."

C shrunk into himself as he centered his gaze on his worn hands.  After 10 seconds of silence, he finally sighed and looked back at me with eyes that hadn't known true rest for the last 6 months.

"It's hard to start over, you know?  I don't know if I can tell someone our story again."

Nodding my head, I looked over at his wedding ring and felt a familiar pang of regret.

J forest path

Time to Face the Truth: Healthcare Workplaces are Toxic

by M, posted in Burnout

I haven't really talked much about my toxic work environment as a cause of my burnout, not because it didn't exist at my clinic but because this seems to be universal in all of healthcare at all levels.  What else could I possibly add to this discussion? This is the reality of the world we work in. Fear based leadership.  Seeing people as cogs in a machine, to be spent in any way deemed useful to the organization with no concern for the actual person.  There will always be another you - don't forget, you are easily replaceable.

M walking along the Columbia River Gorge

Death of a Primary Care Physician’s Career: Act Three

by M, posted in Burnout

"So when should we see each other again?"

She's young and healthy, M.  No reason to have her come back sooner than her yearly physical.  Are you OK with her just getting a letter in the mail notifying her that you're gone?

The thought of her discovering I was leaving via an impersonal letter on clinic letterhead filled me with dread.  She deserved better than that.  To hell with my promise of keeping my mouth shut.

Light breaking over the Columbia River Gorge

Death of a Primary Care Physician’s Career: Act Two

by M, posted in Burnout

"You know, you're being that annoying prodigal daughter you used to complain about in residency.  The one who wouldn't let her estranged parent go until you came in as the hospice queen and convinced her to pull the plug.

Your current job is already dead, you’re just keeping it alive for some reason."

No preamble.  Just straight to the quick.

"M... what's stopping you from signing your new contract?"

Forest canopy

Death of a Primary Care Physician’s Career: A Cautionary Tale, Act One

by M, posted in Burnout

These last 11 months, I’ve been telling my story of burnout, but I suppose I should rename it Death of a Primary Care Physician's Career.

I’m letting go of the person, the doctor, I wanted to be.

Ironically, she is the person who dug this 6 foot hole for me, and now I’m laying her in it after 3 long years.