Tag: doctoring

Do You Miss It?

by M, posted in Burnout

"I can't send him back to that place.  This is my father.  Please, help me take care of him." The rollercoaster of emotions of that moment threatened to run me over again even now: struggling to stuff down the frustration of having to adjust course after I was THISCLOSE to discharging him back to his skilled nursing facility, to the remorse washing over me as I spotted tears in this herculean man's eyes while he squeezed the limp hand of D's half paralyzed body. How could I not be moved by the determination in his melodic Arabic voice as he made the decision to take on caring for his father who was suffering from a recent stroke?

Do You Remember Why You’re Here?

by M, posted in Burnout

Staring at J's outline on Facetime, all I could make out was the reflection of his phone's screen in his glasses.  This was how we'd been communicating while he was in quarantine - in the same house but never physically crossing paths. To J's credit, as soon as I instructed him to self-isolate, he transformed our master bedroom into a little apartment, complete with a kitchenette and command center so he could continue to work remotely/play FIFA on Xbox without leaving the bed.  Since I arrived home, I'd been placing meals outside the slider to our bedroom and waving at him through windows or from 12 feet away.   Not a single complaint.  Not one effort to "break" any rules.  He had been a perfect, 100% compliant patient.   But the cracks were starting to show.

This is All Your Fault

by M, posted in Burnout

"All you doctors want is my money.  But you don't care about me, you don't care about anyone!  And that damn surgeon... that podiatrist who isn't even a real surgeon, and trust me, I know because I'm EDUCATED.  He's delaying my surgery because he wants to go golfing.  And you probably have your second vacation home that you're trying to pay off. Just making money off of the backs of us common folk.  And then you wonder why we hate going to you and refuse to see you at these unnecessary appointments..." For a brief second, the temptation to interject and tell him I was only taking his verbal onslaught in order to pay off my student loans, not my second vacation home engulfed me.  But interrupting him would only add fuel to the fire. He was going to be heard, truth be damned.

Hard Conversations: That’s Why You’re Here

by M, posted in Burnout

Admit, discharge, admit, discharge - just moving the meat. In this assembly line, patients get in the way of the ruthless efficiency at which I'm expected to perform. No, not the body that supplies the blood for all the labs that get drawn every morning, ready for me to review so I can plan out the day's course of action - I need that. The actual patient - the one who paddled over white rapids and waterfalls, introduced thousands of students to their love of geology and was a loyal fixture in his friend's life through thick and thin - the one who's trapped in a failing body, I have no time for.

I Miss You

by M, posted in Burnout

"Do you know what it's like to watch your dad try to reassure her for the thousandth time in an hour that he's there, just for her to call out for him again and again?  After 70 years of marriage, he can't give her comfort because she doesn't even recognize him!  This is killing him!  And her!  And to see her caged up in that bed is just sickening.  No one prepared us for this when they diagnosed her with dementia. NO ONE." Robert patted his daughter's shoulder tentatively, almost as if to ration out his comfort in order for it to last them another day.  His weary eyes locked with mine as he quietly begged, "Please do something."

This is Why We Stay, Isn’t It?

by M, posted in Burnout

As he pulled each supplement and natural remedy out of his reusable cloth bag to show me, outlining the benefits of each item, I wondered how long he had spent standing at his pantry last night.

Carefully selecting and researching how these things could help his wife.

Trying to do his part to help in her healing.

Trying to take back control of this shitty situation.

What Are You Going To Do About This?

by M, posted in Burnout

"You know, my wife has been through a lot in the last year.  And every time we get the same run around from her doctors and we're sick of it.  We are paying you to help her, and she only gets worse and worse!  You're just wasting our time here.  So we ask you again, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?!" Y's husband's bulging eyes held mine as his voice crescendoed into a passionate outburst.  Daring me to look away and crumble into an apology.  

Time of Death: Welcome to Residency

by M, posted in Burnout

As I see med students' anticipation rising for Match Day this Friday, I wonder if they wrote the same thing I did on my personal statement, if they said the same things in their interviews → I want to go into medicine because I want to help people.

8 years into this career, I wonder when help turned into a diagnosis/treatment algorithm:

Hypertension → lisinopril
Hyperlipidemia → statin
Heart failure exacerbation → lasix

Isn't spending the extra 10 minutes to help 30 people achieve closure after the death of a loved one also helping people?

Or is it not truly helping people if we can't toss them a pill or do a procedure to make it all better?

Did we really help someone if the encounter is non-billable?

Now looking back, I realize day one of residency started the erasure of tending to another person's humanity. 

Rainbow over Cook's Chasm, Oregon Coast

Are You Sure You Know What You’re Doing?

by M, posted in Burnout

Returning to the picture on the page of an angry, pink baby with a T-piece resuscitator hovering over its face to supply oxygen, I was immediately transported to another place, three and a half years ago.

Except that baby was limp and gray.  Slippery in the warmed blankets that didn't seem to be able to contain her.  Listless despite the efforts to stimulate her to breathe, turning bluer by the second.

"Why isn't she breathing??  What are you doing to my baby?!?"

Mom's wails rang out in my right ear as if it were yesterday.