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Ramona Falls, OR

So You Wanna Be a Doctor…

by M, posted in Burnout

"M, what do you think about a scribe?  You said you'd be open to that in the past, and I have just the guy for you.  He's the son of a friend, and he wants to get more clinical experience before he applies to med school next year." My partner looked expectantly at me, waiting for my response. "What's his background?  Pre-med?" "No.. an engineering background.  So you'll have to train him, but he's a smart kid and I'm sure he'll pick up quickly!" 3 weeks later and I was shaking said kid's hand in my office manager's office. So earnest, so excited.  So... pure. This was a mistake, M.

Egg Lake, San Juan Island, WA

Burnout Solution 99: Just Be a Yes Doctor

by M, posted in Burnout

I had been on edge the entire morning. I even caught myself looking around my office in between back to back Follow up mood appointments, trying to figure out how I could slowly pack up all my things without anyone noticing.  Because if I was going to have a dramatic exit, nothing would suck the victory out of it more than having to sneak in 5 minutes later to collect my stuff. Maybe one book a day, I settled on. On second thought, I didn't need the books.  Or my medical degree and diplomas on the wall, for that matter. I'M OUT.

Views at Silver Star Mountain

Haters Gonna Hate: My First Major Diss War

by M, posted in Life

I've been expecting this day for a long time.  I'm even surprised it took so long. When you open yourself up in any arena, whether that be in real life or on the internet, you invite commentary. Your inner thoughts are no longer sacred and safe from harm. As someone who has spent my entire career in STEM where facts and data rule the day, transitioning to this new creative role of story teller has been a thoroughly foreign experience.  I started off telling the stories of my patients, but as I have become braver and willing to be more vulnerable, I've allowed myself to bleed on the page along with them. I knew at some point, someone was going to take issue with that and it would feel very personal.

San Juan County Park sunset

Career Lifespan of a Millennial Doctor: 10-15 years MAX

by M, posted in Burnout, Student Loans

Millennial doctors are declaring our career lifespans to be shorter than our predecessors. At first I assumed it was selection bias due to reading all the physician FIRE blogs when starting my burnout journey.  But, among my cohort of millennial doctors comprised of Emergency Medicine, Pediatrics and Med/Peds physicians at this unofficial reunion, NONE of us are planning on having a lengthy career in medicine. 4 years of pre-med.  4 years of med school.  3-4 years of residency. All that training for us to then make enough to pay off the 6 figure loans, stockpile our money and GET OUT in just about the same amount of time it took for us to get through training to begin with.

Boracay beach, Philippines

Why is Love So Hard To Take?

by M, posted in Burnout

What happened? Sitting back in my chair, I studied her.  The buoyant, excitable 9 year old I had met when H's family first started coming to see me had been replaced by this sullen teenager in bedazzled Converses who now had the telltale signs of cutting on her non-dominant forearm. "How are you sleeping?" "Fine." "Tell me about the things you're eating." "All junk food." H stuck her chin out defiantly as she declared this, almost as if to say, I dare you to tell me I'm fat.

Hurricane Ridge, Olympic Peninsula, WA

What is Life When It’s No Longer Defined By Work?

by M, posted in Burnout

We have allowed work to become this all consuming part of our lives, and not just in medicine. It's too easy to become married to our jobs, forgetting there are people at home who are more deserving of our time and attention. When will I allow myself to say doctoring needs to be just a job and not my life - and when will I actually believe it? What is life when it's no longer defined by work?

Just another waterfall you can walk behind at Silver State Falls

When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough: Just Be Better

by M, posted in Burnout

"I'll see you in 6 months, ok?" I said as I exited the patient room. Flashing a smile, I waved goodbye and turned to see my 4 medical assistants huddled around the closest workstation. All staring at me.  Imagery of hunters circling their felled prey before they delivered the final death blow flashed in my mind.  Sympathy intermixed with indecision as to when exactly was the right moment to strike. "What.... ?" I asked, a little disconcerted. After what felt like an eternity, one of them spoke up. "C just called to let us know his wife, R, just died from a stroke.  He wanted to thank you for everything, but he doesn't need her appointment now." "Oh.  Okay." Silence punctuated with shocked faces by my curt reply. "Are you ok, Dr. M?" Was I OK?

Another reflection of M

When Success Sucks: Why 20,000 Page Views Almost Killed My Blog

by M, posted in Life

Confession time:  I almost quit blogging 20,000 page views brought me to my knees.  I was humbled that people were actually reading my ramblings.  Elated that people were commenting on the posts and emailing me about how my story resonated with them. Then the OH SHIT moment happened. Did I really want that many people peering into my mind?