Last Sunday, I rolled out of bed and got ready to head into the hospital to round. I was excited to do my favourite part of my job – I was going to be one of the first people to welcome a new baby boy into the world, on Mother’s Day no less!
I love the ooohing and aahhing that comes with marveling over a new life. I relish the sigh of relief when I tell parents that no, their baby’s head will not be in the shape of a cone forever. No, his shoulders will not be furry forever either – lanugo goes away with time. No, he will not have breast buds permanently but if there’s milk coming out of them, don’t freak out. Maybe he will have an outtie, but time can only tell.
As I handed over baby B to dad, I watched him awkwardly maneuver his hands, not quite sure how to cradle this new life he had created.
“You’re going to be great,” I said to him reassuringly.
As I drove home, I thought of the life B had ahead of him. All the hopes and dreams pinned on him by his new parents. How they were looking forward to the person he’d become. They just met his physical person, but they really won’t KNOW him until he declares his personality. Right now, all he’s going to do is sleep, cry, poop, pee and maybe open his eyes to peek out into the world for a few minutes.
Unexpectedly, my thoughts took a turn to the dark side
I already knew what the course of his life would be.
He would go through childhood as expected – he’ll hit all his developmental milestones without any difficulty. When I see him in the clinic for his well child checks, he’ll tell me he wants to be a famous athlete when he grows up. I’ll nod my head and try to convince him he needs to eat plenty of fruits and veggies to help him grow big and strong so he can do just that.
He’ll do pretty well in school and decide he wants to go to college. He’ll finish his degree, meet a special someone and settle down. Now he’s got student loans, a mortgage and car loans.
He’ll find a well paying job, but soon it will demand more and more of his time without necessarily increasing compensation. He’ll do it because he’s got bills to pay and mouths to feed. His 40 hour work week has now turned into 50, then 60.
He tries to make up time lost with his children by buying all the new toys for them. They go on extravagant vacations that he then needs to make up for by working more when he gets home.
He and his wife get into arguments about how he’s not present for his family. She feels underappreciated for the work she does to keep their family going. He feels underappreciated for the time he puts into work in order to finance their lifestyle.
Maybe they go to marriage counseling, maybe they don’t. Maybe they get divorced or maybe they live in an unhappy marriage.
He’s older now. He doesn’t have a network of support around him because he never thought it was important to cultivate that in his younger years.
He’s not quite sure what to do with himself – this was not what he thought retirement would be.
The Script
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen this story play out in my clinic, located in middle to upper class America.
The small details may change, but the overarching plotline stays about the same.
What a dismal life we have subscribed ourselves to – the moment you realize you are playing your part in this script, the more disheartening it is.
Since the time J and I were teenagers (yes, we’ve been together for that long), we’ve been rushing to get to adulthood.
M’s script: Pre-med → Med school → Residency → Get a job → Get a house
J’s script: College → Get a job → Get a house → Climb corporate ladder → Land managerial position
What no one really tells you is how much life you’re exchanging to get to these goals.
Corporate America
While I’ve been dealing with my burnout in medicine, J has been having career issues as well in corporate America, a world I have zero experience in.
His company got bought out by a bigger corporation out of state and while they decided to keep him on the payroll, this involves traveling once a month to Texas for a week.
During his times there, he stepped into an entirely different work culture. He saw his colleagues working 7 am to 6:30 pm.
“They don’t see their kids, they don’t spend time with their wives, and on the weekend they’re too wiped out to do any of their life things,” J said upon returning from a work trip.
“I don’t want their lives. It’s so empty.”
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
– John Lennon
Whenever I ask my pediatric patients in the clinic what they want to be when they grow up and they don’t answer with a career goal, their parents always correct/coach them into saying the “right answer”.
We have been conditioned to think of work as the end all, be all of life.
But if you were to ask people what they regret the most at the end of life as Bronnie Ware had, they would say this:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.
What are we doing with our lives?
I posed this question to J after he relayed the misery of his co-workers in Texas.
Is this really life?
Work for another 35 years.
Maybe have some kids I’ll have to get a nanny for because we still have to work, buying their love with toys and trinkets because I’m unable to spend actual time with them.
Miss out on life moments because I was caught late at work again getting yelled at by angry patients.
J will get stuck in endless conference calls for which he adds maybe 10 words of value.
Live our true lives during the 3 weeks of paid vacation we’ve been “given” a year – our jobs have bought us out for the other 49 of 52 weeks.
How do we get out of this script?
Are we doomed to complete the path we set out on?
Can we find another way?
Perhaps the first step is to change the question from, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” to “What do you want your life to look like when you grow up?”
I’m still grappling with this question but for now I’m exploring minimalism as a tool to help me find the answer.
I want more time with my husband J. More time with friends. More time with family. More time to cultivate my hobbies, like exploring nighttime photography at midnight:
If this means fewer things, then so be it. Fewer things translates to less time at work in order to buy things that I don’t need, freeing up my time to pursue other things that make me happy.
Are you happy with your script?
If not, what will you do to change it?
***
Photo of me overlooking the Columbia Gorge at Dog Mountain, WA.
nice piece, thanks
Thank you for reading!
Dang M. So much of this resonates you don’t even know. The whole blog in fact. I haven’t yet read a thing I didn’t love, and I’m on like the fifth straight day of bingeing your posts. You are not alone. You are seen, and understood, and supported. PF Twitter gets it, if nothing else haha Keep reaching for those dreams! As an MD you can get there sooner than most. It’s brilliant that you understand that already, I see you crafting your dream life in no time.
Thank you so much for your comment and for reading! No lie, I’ve totally made one of your recipes before, so I’m pinching myself that you actually found this blog!
I’m always surprised when people tell me they binge read these posts – it’s pretty heavy stuff! With that being said, thank you for the message. I really appreciate it 🙂
That’s amazing! What recipe? 🙂 The internet is infinite and yet sometimes feels so small.
It is heavy stuff… but you are a fantastic writer, every post is captivating and makes me want to hear more. So well done and keep at it.
Thanks! I’ve been struggling with what direction I want to take with this venture, and I’m looking at a job change so my well of inspiration may run dry… I’ve considered stopping altogether, actually. For the meantime though, I’m going to keep going til the end of the year!
Also, I did your slow cooker minestrone soup recipe. I’m all about minimal effort for maximal gain, when it comes to food at least!