Today, on this Saturday morning, I drove into the hospital to do one of my favourite parts of my job: Newborn rounds. As I was oohing and aahing at this beautiful new baby’s full head of hair, mom smiled at me and asked, “Do you have kids?”
“No, not yet,” I replied with my usual canned response.
“Oh.”
The dynamic in the room quickly changed
The warmth was sucked out of our interaction as I finished examining the baby and went through the discharge talk.
As I started heading for home, I ran through the scenario again in my mind. It wasn’t the first time this had happened. It really bothers some families, especially moms, when they find out their pediatrician is living a childless existence. But, this was the first time it really stayed with me.
Was my ability to listen to her child’s heart for any abnormal heart sounds concerning for possibly life threatening congenital heart disease not enough to be a good pediatrician? What about my hip exam to make sure there weren’t any abnormalities like developmental dysplasia? Didn’t my spiel on how to identify respiratory failure in a newborn during this cold and flu season reassure her that I did have some helpful knowledge to impart?
Or were my barren womb and arms devoid of a child the most important marker of being a good pediatrician?
As I tried to shake these thoughts from my mind to prevent them from ruining my day, I realized why it bothered me so much – within the last 2 weeks, multiple patients have commented on my child free existence.
You know, you should freeze your eggs.
I’m just waiting to be a grandparent before I die – you know, your parents probably feel that way too.
You shouldn’t wait any longer… look how long you’ve waited already! You know the stats, you’re a doctor!
You are planning on having kids, right? If you don’t, you’ll regret it.
Even in the clinic, when I took a sick day last month and returned the following day, I was told, “We were all taking bets on if you were sick or just had morning sickness!”
Since when was my fertility a topic up for discussion?
Why do patients feel it’s appropriate to ask probing questions about my plans to pop a baby out when I’m examining their child? Would it make me a better pediatrician in their eyes? Would I then be able to fully empathize on a level unknown to child free people?
On my good days, I’m usually able to deflect questions without hesitation. “Not yet,” has worked out quite well to fend off follow up questions and we just carry on our merry way.
On my bad days, unfiltered responses swirl around in my head.
So you want me to have a baby so I can be a better pediatrician, eh? Do we ask cardiologists to have heart attacks and struggle with heart failure so they can be better cardiologists? Do we ask neurologists to have strokes or multiple sclerosis? Have you asked an oncologist if they’ve had breast cancer in order to fully empathize with their breast cancer patients? Have you asked male OBGYNs how they could possibly dare to be in that field without having the ability to birth a child?
No? These are all life changing things. Maybe what you’re saying is just a tad unreasonable?
I usually then smile and say, “Not yet.”
Our generation has been told we could have it all
Women – you can have the career, the family, the beach ready body. You can do everything you put your mind to.
What they didn’t tell us is we MUST have it all, otherwise you’re failing at life.
The problem with this is everything takes time. Investing in a career in medicine takes 11 years at minimum. Climbing up the corporate ladder takes time. Having a baby takes up A LOT of time, and meanwhile takes away time you would otherwise have spent on pretty much everything else. That beach body? You guessed it – that time was already spent on sleep/eating/surviving. Guess you’re SOL.
We run on a time deficit, in a constant scramble to catch up. But there is no catching up because the targets just keep changing. I’ve seen this through my life and through the lives of my other female peers.
Oh, did you spend time focusing on your career?? How selfish! Don’t you know your parents are waiting for that grandchild?
Oh, you don’t want kids?? That’s even more selfish! You’re having way too much fun. (s/n: my personal favourite)
Oh, you want to take maternity leave to take care of your newborn baby? How dare you take 3 months – don’t you know people at work are depending on you?
Oh, you want to take a sick day to take care of your sick child? There are sicker children in the hospital, so you better get a sitter and come in to work.
Oh, you want to stay home with the kids? What a waste of your college degree/time spent on your career.
Oh, you only have one child? Don’t you want them to have a playmate? Don’t you know they’re going to turn out to be a self-centered jerk if you don’t have another?
Oh, you have 4 kids? Good God, lady. When are you closing up shop??
Every aspect of our decision making regarding our career/family/home lives is scrutinized, and it is never enough. This doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the heartbreak of those dealing with infertility, IVF and recurrent miscarriages. Or women who don’t feel having a spouse or a child is the right fit for them, yet feel pressured to fall in line with societal ideals. This doesn’t even address what my male colleagues deal with, like when my friend was given flack for wanting to take a few days off of work after the birth of his son.
Everyone’s got something to say
You’ll never please everyone, so you might as well do what’s right for you.
Do I want kids? Maybe. Maybe not. But during patient’s office visits probably isn’t the appropriate time to have these discussions. Especially since they’re paying for me to evaluate their medical concerns, not to discuss my empty womb.
Am I mad at parents who want a fellow parent pediatrician? No. Ultimately at the end of the day, if that’s something they value, then they should find someone who better aligns with that. If they can’t look beyond that and trust my judgment which has been board certified, the relationship just isn’t going to go well and neither of us would benefit.
Maybe my mind will change if I someday become a member of the “mom tribe”. But, I also feel I bring value from speaking and listening to hundreds upon hundreds of parents who tell me all children are not the same, therefore not all parenting is the same. I can share stories of their struggles and victories to see if this can be of benefit.
But in the meantime, I see you, child free women and men, whether it be by choice or not.
You do you.
So first off: Not okay for patients to probe about your personal womb plans. That’s personal. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. They are so much more work than I ever would have imagined. And will do nothing to help your burn out, that’s for sure.
But I love when my patients ask if I have kids. Because I love talking about them. I have pictures up of them in my office to stimulate conversation. I think it helps build a bond with my patients for them to know something about my personal life, when I get to know so so so much about them.
And yes, I feel better with a pediatrician who has kids. “Would I then be able to fully empathize on a level unknown to child free people?” Yes, is the answer. If you think board certification automatically makes someone a great doctor, you haven’t been a doctor very long. Lots of buffoons sneak through the system (not saying this is you!)
I’m an Oncologist who has never had cancer. I have absolutely no shame in saying that if I had survived cancer, I would be a much better and more empathetic doctor to my cancer patients. In the meantime, I’m doing the best I can to be compassionate and skilled. I’m sure you’re doing the same. And our patients (the good ones, at least) appreciate all our efforts.
When I wrote this post, I was speaking from a place of frustration – people always have something to say about the choices that people, women especially, make in regards to their decisions to have children or not.
I didn’t mean to say pediatricians who have children aren’t better pediatricians. Of course they are! They have insight to the frustrations and joys of parenthood that I just simply do not have. Their well of understanding is much deeper than mine. I do see, though, that parenting is very different from one child to another. A parent with a special needs child may not relate the same to a parent without. Who’s to say even if I had a child I would be able to relate to fully to someone else who’s child is different than mine?
The best I can do right now is to be compassionate and skilled to my utmost ability, as you stated. Thanks so much for reading and for your comment!
Your patients are concerned when they find out you don’t have kids because it means you are a failure at life and this immediately casts doubt on your ability to do your job effectively. You say to yourself it shouldn’t matter but you know it does. There’s something wrong with you if you have been unable or unwilling to do the most important and basic thing in life which is to reproduce. Plus youre a woman, so you should naturally be more inclined to want to have children and nurture them.
Your failure to do this is a red flag to others that there is something wrong with you and there are other areas of your life that aren’t normal. I wouldn’t trust that kind of person with my children.
Wow. I was going to delete this initially but I’m going to leave this right here so people can see the garbage we have to put up with.
Thanks for the educational material 👍🏽
You have got to be kidding me about John’s comment. I am a Geriatrician, and I am not old (I’m mid 30s) – does that make me a bad Geriatrician? No. I completely agree it is a ridiculous standard. I am also a single childless woman, and I really love your advice. But the fact there are Johns out there just makes it that much harder.
Absolutely. However, I am in favour of them outing themselves up front – makes it easier to know who to cut out of your life 🤷🏻♀️.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Ugh this is exactly why she wrote the post!
My child’s Pediatrician doesn’t have any children and she’s spectacular. The other Doctor that works at the practice does and he’s a bloatheaded know-it-all (probably not unlike yourself John) who missed several red flags for my sons condition and dismissed them when I brought them up. A good brain, heart, and listening ears go a lot further than your ability to reproduce in just about ANY profession. You’re not special for having reproduced.
Thank you for your brilliant response ❤️